Illawarra Live Steamers Humour Page

Occasionally I will post some jokes and/or cartoons (called Toons on the Internet) when I find some amusing ones.

Old Age

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

Jeff has been at it again and sent these gems for you engineers out there.

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.

He spent a day studying the huge machine. Finally, at the end of the day, he a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machineand said, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.

They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999.

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" they asked. Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Some real groaners from Jeff

I take no responsibility for these.

What do you call a train man who steps on a live 3rd rail?
A conductor!

A guy is having lunch at a beanery down by the tracks and while he's waiting for his food he notices the guy sitting next to him at the counter.
This guy has seen better days. He's got a peg leg, one of his arms ends in a hook and if that weren't bad enough he's missing an eye.
"Say", says the man. "What happened to you?"
"Well", says the other "I've been workin' on the railroad. It's a sad story really. One day while I was working the yard I slipped and my leg went under a box car so that's why I got this here peg leg."
The first man nods sympathetically.
"Then when they were taking me to the hospital the dogone ambulance crew accidentally slammed the door on my hand and the doctors couldn't save it. Had to amputate. That's why I got the hook."
"Wow" exclaims the first guy. "That's some real tough luck! But what happened to your eye?"
"Got that when a bird flew overhead and dropped one right into my eye."
"Huh?"
"Yeah it was my first day home from the hospital with the hook.

Did you hear about the engineer who really wanted to run the switch engine but he wouldn't work for a standard gauge railroad. Only a 3' narrow gauge?
Yeah, he wanted to be part of the yard crew...

This is a squawk sheet left for the Engine shops by a train crew.

(P) Dynamic brakes don't work at any speed.
(S) This locomotive not equipped with dynamic brake.

(P) #2 traction motor seeping oil.
(S) #2 traction motor seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 motors lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cab.
(S) Something tightened in cab.

(P) Evidence of leak in crankcase.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) Alternator volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Locomotive dances up and down when brake applied at 89 mph.
(S) Could not reproduce problem in enginehouse.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Parking brake cause throttle lever to stick.
(S) That's what its there for.

(P) Engine missing.
(S) Engine found under hood after brief search.

(P) Locomotive handles funny.
(S) Locomotive given verbal warning to be serious.

(P) Radio hums.
(S) Reprogrammed radio with the words.

What do you say to a train crew dressed in three-piece suits?
Will the defendants please rise...

Definitions: Yard Goat - the critter used by the railroad to keep down the weeds within yard limits.

Tunnel motor - the thing that makes the doors in front of a tunnel open and close.

Feed water - what they mix the yard goat's chow with when he runs out of weeds.

Switch stand - where they stack up the turnout components before taking 'em out and spiking 'em in place.

Tie plates - the china they use at them fancy like restaurants where ya hafta wear a tie to get in.

Water tank - one of them amphibious fighting vehicles the marines use to storm an enemy beach.

Crummy - how you feel after the yard goat butts you.

Cross bucks - the dollars it takes to replace that sign guarding a grade crossing when the fellow with the hi-rail truck runs it over.

Turn table - the thing thing in the superintendents office you want to chuck out the window after he places Chatenooga Choo Choo for the five hundredth time.

Yard master - nickname for that dad-gum yard goat. Thinks he owns the place!

How many train crew men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, that the shop crew's job...

Why was the crew of the yard goat afraid to bump the yardmaster?
He told 'em not to - no ifs, ands, or butts.

Which kind of loco has the strangest anatomy?
A steam locomotive! Its got a "back head" and a "steam chest".

Did you hear that they're making a new fuel additive out of grapes in France?
Yeah, they call it "Vin Diesel".

How did engineer Fred meet his wife?
It started with cab ride but they ended up hitting the Johnson Bar where they got hooked up.

Why did the lady track worker wanna work only on crossings?
She knew diamonds are a girl's best friend.

How do you know when a conductor is concerned about his weight?
When he puts marker "lites" on his caboose.

What is a Brake pipe?
It's what train men smoke while they're on break.

It's a Conspiracy!!

THIS KIND OF STUFF HAS GOT TO STOP IN OUR COUNTRY!
We Must Stop This Immediately!

Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away... Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection... Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labelling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on - but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too. They've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's fonts to be smaller than they once were.

Jeff A, whilst wasting time surfing the net came across these ...

And They Ask Why I Like Retirement !

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

My favorite one:
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest!

When thieves get caught stealing money, they go to jail. When politicians get caught, it's an honest mistake.

I saw that my low-fuel light was on, so I stopped and got $10 worth of fuel. And when I was done, I saw that my low-fuel light was still on.

Handy Man's Workshop Tool Definitions

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal pieces out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted project part you are working on.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
MULTI-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG 4 * 2: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbours to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, it's name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short for their intended purpose.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as new racing seat pads, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.